When someone close to me dies, don’t tell me you’re sorry
…and other meaningless things
We hate talking about death, the inevitable. There is no doubt that it is exceedingly heartbreaking because of the permanent sense of loss that lingers on.
Living through the months of April-May in India was a constant confrontation with death, the transience of life, and our collective inability to provide quality emotional support.
We also deal with it in the first possible way, we ensure that the bereaved’s sorrow is extended and that the after-death rituals are nothing but a mass display of histrionics and feigned sadness.
This culture of creating an absolute mess of someone’s death is not new.
India has a very convoluted relationship with death and for women, especially, it has been rather difficult. From sati pratha to being labeled The practice of professional mourning remains prevalent in parts of the Rajasthan — with ‘lower caste’ women having to shed tears and shrieks of grief over the death of a person they have nothing to do with. This is the rudaali culture. They come from a ‘lower caste’ and aren’t allowed to lead a regular life (have kids, marry, etc) because if they were to find happiness, who would cry at the funerals.
The greatness of the deceased is often measured by the number of people who shed tears at their passing but in many parts of the country, it’s measured by the decibel level of the mourning cries.
At any given death, the intention is to create an atmosphere of sorrow that prolongs the grief and mandates theatrical and insincere displays of emotion.
As for me, I find myself at an utter loss of direction when I want to comfort someone who is going through a loss.
We never talk about it and engage vapidly with the bereaved. The bereaved doesn’t know what to do or say but to break down multiple times because
‘I’m sorry for your loss.’
‘I regret your loss.’
‘My condolences.’
‘Commiserations.’
As a society that has evolved because of human communication, we do a terrible job when it comes to death. We expect the bereaving family to stay away from festivities and happy events (weddings, birthdays, etc) for a whole year. If they don’t wish to engage, it’s their call but these rituals demand they remain in a state of grief.
The truth is that there is nothing you can say that will help and there is very little you can do; choose to do.
Here’s what you should do when someone close to you has lost someone
- Do more, say less
Acts of service at the time can be a real comfort. Supporting them at work, in class at home is the nicest way of helping your loved one cope with death. It can be something as small as managing a meal or helping them tidy the place. I often find families going through a loss struggling with guest hospitality. If you’re close enough, help them go through whatever is left behind of the departed, sifting through things can be overwhelming - Do not create a negative narrative
When people go through a death in the family, they are inundated with morbid thoughts — feelings of guilt and anxiety. The narrative is 10x worse when it’s the death of a spouse — it feels like one is setting out to a lifetime of loneliness. Do not start with the ‘oh no this is so sad I hope you’re not distraught.’ They are distraught and they are sad. Your narrative should be around rebuilding their lives whilst giving them a patient ear should they want to brood. - If you’re not feeling it, don’t say it
Can we stop creating formalities out of everything? My parents go to express regret at deaths they couldn’t care less about. I apologize if this sounds crass but why are we going to express fake regret to people who are real sad?
It’s probably not a real problem and we have better battles to fight but this post-death etiquette (much like many other customs) we have created as a society serves absolutely no purpose.
Everything we do is driven by brainless customs. We meet each other, exchange some cliches, and get on with our lives completely unaware of what we really wanted to do or say.
I want to give you a hug and tell you that you will move on and everything will be alright but all I do is pat your arm and say that I am sorry for your loss; my condolences.
