‘This is just who I am!’ is the worst rationalization for accepting your negative attributes
It is not ‘authentic’ to be an asshole. It’s rude.
I have found so much peace in using this trite statement for explaining all of my unreasonable and immature behaviors.
‘Why are you throwing a tantrum?’ It’s just who I am.
‘Why are you always forgetting things all the time?’ It’s just who I am.
‘Why are you angry all the time?’ It’s just who I am.
‘Why do you not communicate adequately?’ It’s just who I am.
I mean, honestly? If that’s just who you are, bye.
This argument makes sense when people are describing their jobs, their hobbies, and their functional and healthy personality traits. It isn’t meant to be used as an argument to accept random attributes that hurt everyone.
The idea of changing yourself is not that revolting if you think about, that is, if you can think.
In order to achieve absolutely anything in life, we need to change some things about ourselves.
To achieve what we haven’t, we need to become what we aren’t which is not possible if we live life believing that we have a ‘fixed’ identity.
Carol Dweck, an american psychologist, explored the themes of growth mindset and fixed mindset in her book Mindset: The New Psychology of Success.
Fixed Mindset (this is just who I am) believes that intelligence is static. The illustration below explains the difference between two mindsets.
I am very intrigued by her theory.
The ideas of autheticity are rather rigid and opposing to self improvement. It keeps me stuck in behaviours that are detrimental. According to Dweck, believing that your identity is fixed hampers growth. Without the conscious belief that you are ever changing and growing, all your choices are irrelevant.
I also believe that it is a rather convenient and boring way to live and the narrative of ‘oh I suck? at least I’m real’
No, you’re not. You’re an asshole. You should do better for your parents. they deserve better. you deserve better. It is rather pitiful that we believe that we must live on with our vices like albatrosses around our necks.
I have wasted a lot of time romanticising the angsty and tactless life only to realise that it is first degree sabotage. I needed to change and that was only possible by looking inward. Excusing myself of my toxic habits by telling myself this is just how I was meant to be was grade a bullshit I was serving to myself. In my echo chamber, only what I thought mattered. Everything else was irrelavant.
Here’s how I realised I was doing something wrong:
- The concept of constructive criticism did not quite exist in my book. Any criticism I received could be dissipated by telling myself that the criticising party is dumb as hell. I believed I was the smartest person in the room and honestly, in retrospect, it made the dumbest person in the room.
- I believed my tactlessness was honesty. It wasn’t. Tactlessness is immature. Not knowing how to deliver your message correctly is an inadequacy. I didn’t fix that for the longest time because I thought ‘that’s just who I am.’ but truth be told, I am better than that. We can all do better than we are right now.
- I was angry all the time. I was stuck in an identity quagmire where I felt I needed to be authentic to myself whilst I appreciated a completely different set of qualities in other people. I knew if I met myself, I wouldn’t be quite thrilled about it.
If you’re around someone who believes that being ‘authentic’ means living with your vices, they need your help. Don’t break it to them just yet because they won’t listen to you. Tell them when their habits are bringing them active pain. For example, if you know someone who cannot communicate and believes that they’re just ‘inexpressive’, show them the number of great relationships they have lost because of their resistance to change.
A fixed midset cripples your potential to grow. Shedding your bad habits is worth celebration and I have to tell you, my life has been significantly better after shedding mine. Now, there’s obviously a long way to go but I am glad I believe I can change and believing is the first step and I’m glad I’m there.
If anyone wants to discuss this book in detail, I am very very up for it. I also have some scribbled notes that can help us both.
and finally my parting words,
