Schools aren’t safe havens and we need to accept that before we fix it
*insert casual blow to self esteem *
This is not a feel-sorry-for-me story. With this, I hope to spark conversations about how educational institutions play a pivotal role in perpetuating faulty ideas of self, caste, religion, sex, gender, class, success and beauty.
I was very fortunate to have studied in one of the best schools of my town. It gave me so many opportunities, taught me almost everything I know today and introduced me to people I proudly call my friends.
Please don’t get me wrong, I am extremely grateful for everything. I have nothing but respect for my teachers as people but as educators, they failed me several times. They put thoughts in my 6-year-old head that shouldn’t have been put in my head at all.
Instead of equipping me with the armor to achieve my goals and realize my potential, they burdened me with societal expectations and forced me to limit myself in subtle but venomous ways. (Find below career crippling advice.)
I am no expert on psychology or children but from what I know from my experience as a child is that they’re impressionable and any callousness can cause deep dents. Teachers and parents are human too, they can make mistakes but it’s the repetitive behaviors that can cause indelible marks in the child’s mind.
I wasn’t the best at anything. I was good at some things, yes. I wasn’t struggling with anything. I was yelled at several times for indiscipline and frankly, I deserved it. There were times I needed a strict correction and I am glad someone went through the trouble of correcting me. The things I write about today aren’t about those times. This is not about the things that we as a society collectively haven’t been able to crack such as early detection of learning disabilities, practical hands-on knowledge, sex education, nurturing individuality and personal freedom for women.
Also, not going to mention the extreme slut-shaming that happened.
I have mustered all my maturity for this. I don’t want to be a cry baby and it’s okay if you don’t want to validate my feelings but this is how I felt and I know I did not deserve to feel that way.
I asked a couple of friends and revisited some unsettling memories from my time in school. As a twenty-three-year-old, I still remember them clear as day. I try to ensure that they don’t affect my behavior now but growing up, they sure did.
I grew up feeling things that were unhealthy for my self-esteem and I still catch myself feeling terrible or behaving poorly because of the things that were said to me and my peers.
I will try to be as objective as possible but pardon me if I get carried away.
The poster child for the famine in Africa
These were words used to describe me in the eleventh grade by a teacher. Sounds like a lie, right? Now if this were a joke, it is likely that I wouldn’t have remembered it. Throughout that year, I was asked several times if I had an eating disorder in front of the class. I was asked why I am so ‘painfully’ thin and if there’s anyone to take care of me at home.
Not just this, nasty comments about body hair were quite natural. I heard a teacher chide a girl for not having waxed her legs. A few weeks later I heard a different teacher chide a different girl for getting her facial hair removed.
I mean? What were we being prepared for? Honestly, the only thing we needed to be taught was how we can best understand ourselves, take a decision on the basis of what truly resonates with us as women and how to be our true authentic selves. It affected my ideas of what is wrong and right and I am still unlearning the outdated ideas that I internalized.
Here’s a short story from seventeen years ago,
I was in class I, 6 years old, a senior teacher came into my class to pick up some kids to play angels for an annual function that was scheduled for the following week. She said she wanted obedient and competent little girls which is all very fair considering the urgency (haha) of the situation. My teacher picked out four girls and she picked out the girl in front of me. As she stood up, this senior teacher immediately retorted “Uh, *my class teacher’s name* I said angels! Need cute and fair faces.” The girl in front of me was asked to sit down. Not exactly fair myself, I was glad that I wasn’t asked to stand up to be called out for my colour like that. By the way, the girl who was in front was very cute, she still is. This is the first of the many memories that forced me to believe that white means beautiful. I really wish I didn’t have those. Would’ve saved the hours I spent googling “is this tan or my real skin”, “how to remove skin tan in 2 days”
All these Sikh girls causing indiscipline & more
Now, I am not Sikh but being in Chandigarh I have had the immense pleasure of being in close contact with the teachings and followers of Sikhism. The world knows about its greatness and I have learned so much from it but some girls were labeled rowdy, indisciplined and loud because they are Sikhs. Does this make any linear sense? No.
Thinking about this now, I am shocked at the tactlessness.
When an adult role model does this, children pick this up. I know I did. I thought it was okay to joke about all of this and in all likelihood, I have hurt people’s feelings and I am ashamed.
Mindless casteist and classist remarks were also given away for free and quite regularly.
Here’s another story
This is class 7, one girl was told she was ‘neech’ (lowly, sounds much worse in Hindi. Usually used while referring to an individual of a ‘lower’ caste/class, sorry if your gut is wringing; mine is too.) because she drank water in class (context: drinking water in class was not allowed) which caused indiscipline (it didn’t). I am happy she stood up for herself but isn’t this unabashedly classist? Fifty thirteen year old girls just received the worst moral education in less than fifteen minutes.
Worst career advice ever
In my (thoroughly inconsequential) opinion, educators must be informed about career options. Young students need guidance and mentorship. We need mentorship our whole lives.
I was convinced I would do great with humanities. However, the Science is Superior Sentiment was very strong. I thought it would be great idea to speak to my teachers. I spoke to six of them. Please find below the varied career advice I received:
Take Science. You are good at studies. Why waste you potential? (Outdated but okay)
Just be sure you are convinced and take the leap. (Yes, okay. Not bad.)
I think it’s a good idea. You can take up a teaching job — will help take up the responsibility of a family. (Did you just tell a 16 year old to shape her career to fit a supporting role? Yes, I may make that choice but did you just…?)
Am I expecting too much out of teachers? Am I being too sensitive?
The answer may be YES. This was probably great training for how uninformed and insensitive people will be in the real world.
But you know what could be greater, training us on
- safeguarding our morals and ethics in sticky situations
- identifying and understanding problematic situations
- not being that insensitive person who hurts other people’s feelings
That being said,
Can I blame them for propagating what they have, in all probability, learnt their whole lives?
Truth is — I can. People who have been entrusted with the responsibility of educating young and impressionable children cannot play the ‘but-I-didn’t-know’ card
They are supposed to know better and they are supposed to do better.
All those fatal comparisons that enabled resentment, I regret it. I lament all the great friendships that were lost because of these comparisons. It is such a lackluster method of pushing kids to do better. It suppresses individual talent and self-discovery.
If you’re going through something like this, I would be happy to talk about it. If you think I being ultra-sensitive, let me know (I get that a lot and if you think so too, I may have some internal fixing to do.)
I know that fixating on the negative has never helped me (or anybody) and I am constantly trying to avoid thoughts that make me spiral.
Here’s a book I read on thinking. It’s calling Think Straight by Darius Foroux. The good thing is that I know what’s wrong with my thoughts, just haven’t done too much about fixing them.
There were many things that shouldn’t have happened but I am over them.
At least, partly.
