The success of any relationship depends on how good both of you are at making amends

Love and disappointment have me cancelled

We have feelings and ideas of what is right and wrong. It’s what makes us human — the power to generate independent thoughts and engage in powerful discourse. Our thoughts are our identities, and we are wired to protect our identities and when we are protecting these identities, we say and do things — things that are hurtful.

I am so bad at disagreements. I have a book of rules and rigidities that I find hard to put aside in conversations. It is a certain idea of acceptable behaviour It is a sign of my immaturity and while I give my absolute best to keep the bias aside, I don’t.

Photo by Patrick Perkins on Unsplash

I know this man is a renowned thinker and I am sure there’s a lot of mettle in what he has to say but a meaningful relationship is hardly analogous to a plain thread; it’s denser, heavier, and not as frail.

Any meaningful relationship is a garland of not one but many flowers. It is comprised of multiple experiences whilst remaining integrated and a garland of flowers cannot stay put if it’s not fastened with the infamous knot. The knots keep it together. Conflict strengthens relationships.

To be able to cope with several types of conflict and still being able to laugh together like it never happened is a small miracle.

Each time you’re able to fix things is a reason to embrace your friend a little longer and a little tighter because it’s hard to let go of the hurt but you did because they’re so special.

Now obviously, the idea isn’t to be a doormat and someone who will simply put up with anything that is served to them. Making amends is the process of bettering the relationship. It’s understanding and creating healthy boundaries so that you don’t find yourself getting hurt repeatedly by the same people without them knowing that they’re doing it. It’s an opportunity to learn how to love the right way and help each other move past the rough.

When to make amends?

1. When there is a genuine realisation of the reason behind the fight
2. When the person is truly open to changing their behaviours
3. When there is an open two-way dialogue about the issues. If you’re avoiding it, you’ll never fix it.

When not to make amends?

1. When the issue at hand is undermined
   If you’re upset that they did not show up for your birthday — you’re upset, there’s nothing in the world that should stop you from feeling bad about it briefly. It may not be important for everyone, but it is for you and if they don’t get that — bye.
2. When one party is victimizing itself to push the blame onto the other person
   I’ve caught myself entrapped here many times. No one likes to be at fault, and no one likes accepting. I hate accepting my mistakes. My mom once told me to empty the washing machine and I forgot — surprise. Obviously, she starts yelling at me and I get upset with her for yelling at me knowing full well that the epicentre of her anger is my inaction. You don’t decide how someone chooses to express their anger. Very often the narrative changes from the root cause to the consequent reaction.
3. When it’s the seventh time it’s happening
   Old habits die hard and seven is my arbitrary number. If the issue is persistent, step back. You deserve to spend time with someone who is willing to do better for you.

It’s not always easy to make amends. It challenges the things we value; it exercises our emotional bandwidth and most importantly

it forces us to break our rules

& We all break our rules for some people

& If we’re lucky, it’s worth it

& If we’re not, we tried.

This is your sign to rebuild that one bridge. Will you?