Telling Your Daughter She is Your Son is Not a Compliment

My internalized misogyny and subsequent identity crisis.

Internalized misogyny is being explored on the internet. We are identifying these subtle nuances in our own behavior and we are correcting them. Everyone is calling them out on the internet. It’s the usual ‘I’m not like other girls’ or the ‘I’m one of the guys’ or the ‘Girls, ugh, so much drama’ or the ‘Honestly, I’m not about that girly life’ or the ‘Girls can’t be trusted’.

Photo by Noah Buscher on Unsplash

It is no news that these ideas are formed in childhood. When parents of daughters are asked if they will be trying for another child, it’s not an innocent question. It is an attempt to ask them whether they will be testing the universe one more time to give them the golden son. We’re watching and we’re internalizing. We are learning that there is something inadvertently wrong with being female and some corrective action must be taken soon. I always felt that I was at a disadvantage because I was a girl. Oh wait, I am at a disadvantage

But little me decided to take control of her situation. I knew I couldn’t break the system but could definitely use the prevalent stereotypes to my advantage.

I decided to establish dominance by:

1. Buying clothes from the boys’ section
2. Watching some wrestling matches to de-sensitize myself to physical fights (Why was I doing this?)
3. Engraining foul language in my identity because I thought it was a boy thing to do
4. Making other girls feel bad about their choices because I was inadvertently ahead of them by taking the male road
5. Finding other girls who validated my opinions and believed that the only way to reduce the shame of being a girl was to be in complete denial of the fact

And so I did it.

I actively sabotaged a part of my identity because I was ashamed of it. And I know so many girls are. Not being like other girls was the dream.

The only ideas of success I knew were masculine in nature and the only way I could be successful was to emulate these behaviors. I decided to live with this contrived identity only to find myself in a dishonest trap that I set for myself. I even convinced myself that treating daughters differently was alright because they can’t carry on the family name.

If you do not relate to this, I am genuinely happy that you didn’t have to go through it. I was trying to be a lot of things and one of those things was a son.

The very things that drove my childhood impeded my growth in early adulthood. It was a ton of unlearning.

However obvious it may seem, it took me a while to understand that equality is not about being able to do what boys do but about being free to do what I want to do without the fear of being judged.

My biggest leap of growth was getting in touch with myself and shedding the false identity. I am emotional, sensitive and I tried to tell myself I’m not. I am excited about small things but I told myself it’s uncool to be thrilled about small things.

In that pursuit, I hurt myself and others around me.

I don’t how and when this dawned on me but I questioned everything I liked and disliked and I felt clueless about myself.

From what I have read, our identities keep evolving. That phase was possibly necessary but I was unhappy and disappointed.

The way to a better sense of identity looked like this:

1. Going for a therapy session
   Yes, the T-word. I’ve taken help earlier but this was a single session. I told her some things and she told me some things and I realized I needed to help myself.
   She helped me understand how common these crises are and that’s the only assurance I needed. It was enough to help me get some sense of control. You can also talk to a trusted friend but they’re usually biased and not always trained at providing unconditional positive regard.
2. Journaling more regularly
   Journalling came very instinctively to me. I also saved everything I wrote till I got hauled up for having a journal. Schools should promote being in touch with feelings but mine had very different ideas. Not only did my teacher confiscate my notebook, she also read it out to me in front of another teacher in an attempt to shame me for feeling the way I did. My traumatic experiences of school documented here.
   But they say, once it’s on paper, it’s out of your mind. The problem is on paper. It’s calmed you down and given you an account of what bothers you. It is an insight into solutions and it is incredibly helpful in being empathetic to yourself.
3. Cutting off from people who did not give me space to change
   Do you know people who like to be stuck in time and space? They discourage change and make you feel terrible for changing. They question your credibility when you change opinions. They hate change because the existing conditions serve them well. You need to avoid them. You don’t owe an explanation to them.
   Constant reminders of how you’re not behaving like you used to can be harmful to the process.
   I lost a lot of friends but I am glad I did; it made space for something new.

I don’t know if these tricks work for everyone but here’s a poem, Love after Love by Derek Walcott

The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other’s welcome,
and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.

Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.