Read this if you have a dog, love dogs or are planning to get a dog
Everyone wants a dog, only a few can raise one
I am proud to announce that I am an adult and I really look forward to my birthday. I understand that it’s nothing too special but these dates, artificially created events really help to get by life. I know it’s hard sometimes taking stock of our achievements and being one year closer to death, but must we always be a killjoy swimming in a pool of despair?
My parents, my mom specifically, is brilliant at making her kids feel special on their birthdays. She always knows the best present and she’s so good at picking up cues, it’s a miracle. Like most moms, our birthdays mark an achievement for her. We may not be Bill gates or owners of multi-millionaire start-ups, but we are decent children and the credit for that indisputably belongs to my mama.
This year, she decided to give me what I had been asking for since time immemorial — a puppy.
The sweetest and most adorable puppy from a litter of five that was rescued by a loving family in Ludhiana.
This little puppy, Appam as I named him, came to our home at about 4pm. I was euphoric and subsequently delirious. He seemed sad, having been plucked from both his dog & human family but the second I held the puppy, I knew I would do my best to ensure he feels all the love in his new home. My younger brother took him under his care while I was at my birthday party.
Once most people left, I took Appam to my room. He quickly found his corner and went to sleep. I was worried about this sudden surge of responsibility and stress because I knew with my brother off to college, I would have little to no support with this baby but before all this took over me, the dominant feeling was that of gladness.
The following day, I went to work while my brother sent updates and photos about little Appam. My grandmother was obviously not enjoying this new member and was disapproving of this decision and why shouldn’t she be? No one took her in on it. She’s the one who spends the maximum time at home. The rest of us are up and about our business from 9 to 7 every day.
I was hoping she would become friends with him, but she was vehemently against the idea of us having a dog.
Having a dog and caring for it meant that I had to change my life and be prepared for motherhood — put his needs before mine, put my work on the side and kill my hobbies because NO ONE in my house wanted to care for him except me.
I had him for forty-eight hours and in those forty-eight hours, I was up for about forty of them. I realised I was simply not ready to be a caregiver and that I am not operating at a level of selflessness that is required to raise an infant.
I obviously went into a spiral about whether I will ever be ready for motherhood, the situation screamed a BIG FAT NO. I called the family and told them about the whole thing unable to withhold my tears and they told me they were happy to take him back and didn’t want to put him up for adoption in the first place.
However, I wasn’t ready to give up just yet. I thought of all the permutations and combination I could to keep him close to me — leaving him with the guard when I’m at work, taking him to the farm in the morning and picking him up in the evenings when I come back from work.
I admit these were all very self-serving options for someone who wanted a cuddle-buddy.
After crying on the phone about this dilemma, the next day I asked the family if it would be okay if I raised Appam like that. The answer was a no because they didn’t want that life for him and that I should bring him back because they were getting worried about him owing to my full-blown emotional breakdown.
It amazes me how attached you can get in just a few hours. I felt like I was disappointing everyone — my mom, the family who fostered Appam, myself and most importantly Appam. There was nothing wrong with him. Everything was wrong with me, and he shouldn’t be the one feeling unwanted or abandoned.
So, I took him back to Ludhiana while he slept on my lap.
Ludhiana is only two hours away but I was in the car for what seemed like an eternity.
He leapt onto his mom the minute we got off and I knew I had made the right decision. This is his home and the little baby next to him is his sister.
Appam (now Connor) and I are friends. He will forget me but I will never forget him, his eyes, his ears, his wagging tail, his little nibbles through the two nights he spent in my room and most importantly the lesson he taught me about myself.
What was the lesson, you ask?
The first lesson is that I am not ready for responsibility, to put my life on hold, to care and to nurture.
Will I ever be ready? Maybe.
But that time is far away, in the very distant future and before I take such a step again, I must be 100% complete in my own life for my own self.
The second lesson is the terrifying realisation about the reality of Indian mothers who juggle work, home and babies.
Dads if you have been absent ‘providing’ for your family, please get a hold of yourself — you fiercely failing at fatherhood and husband-hood. I may not understand your struggle just yet but children are raised by families and by communities not just by mothers and unfortunately, the prevailing method of motherhood demands that women give up a large part of their pre-baby life or be shunned as bad ‘working’ mothers.
But what do I know? The elders know best.
Motherhood shouldn’t have to be about sacrifice. It shouldn’t have to compel you to make a choice, but it does, and I hate that. I hope I can change my mind about it someday but for now, the only I want to be responsible for is my own and this responsibility also I want to share with my mom.
