People who degrade female friendships are secretly upset about the lack of emotional intimacy in their friendships
Talking about sport is cool but talking about feelings & emotions is cooler
If you have read my previous articles, you know that I am from an all-girls’ school. I have bittersweet memories from school and some of them have been documented here.
As I was growing up, I found myself surrounded by a negative view of these friendships.
‘Two girls can never be friends’
‘Girls don’t really look out for each other’
‘Girls are bad friends’
Thanks to our films, we now perceive female friendships as a relationship that is mostly shallow and limited to getting your nails done or going to the mall to spend daddy’s money (they are all wonderful things to do together, it's just that it’s not limited to this). Not just that, most female friendships on screen depict the main gal and her minion — the lesser girl whose purpose is to be the catalyst between the main gal and the boy she’s in love with (Mean Girls, Bridesmaids). The purpose remains ancillary. These films conveniently leave out the high-quality emotional intimacy that is present in most female friendships — the advice, the support, the safe space.
Let us look at the simple Bechdel test:
To pass the test, a film must have 1) at least two female characters, 2) who have names and speak to one another, 3) about anything other than a man.
The Bechdel Test wasn’t formulated to differentiate between feminist and non-feminist films. It is a litmus test to demonstrate the lack of screen-space allotted to female characters in movies. It doesn’t elaborate the nature of female interaction beyond its independence from male-centric topics. Its purpose was not to provide a solution to the lack of meaningful representation in movies, but to better illustrate the problem.
This lack of representation weakens the rapport of female friendships.
Movies like Hichki, Padman, Pari and Veere Di Wedding (celebrating female cliques) all fail the test.
Mainstream media is a strange place for female friendships.
Literature and films tend to romanticise everything — shows like The Bold Type, Fleabag, killing Eve are now chasing a narrative of sisterhood in female friendships — the opposite end of the spectrum.
These lopsided depictions compel us to have absurd expectations from these friendships resulting in an inevitable disappointment. In real life, things aren’t about showing up at the door at 3 am or taking a flight to see someone because you felt like it. It’s quality time.
While many may say that movies are a representation of the reality we are living, I vehemently argue that this is not my reality — it never has been.
While there are ample mentions of love affairs, clothes, makeup — the dialogue about how we’re feeling, what we’re doing, why we’re crying, what our parents made us feel, what we’ve learned, how listless our lives seem sometimes takes up most of the space between us.
When I sit down with myself mentally hovering over these conversations I have with the women in my life, I cherish the life lessons, the catharsis, and the deep understanding no man in the world could ever have with me.
The most beautiful thing about these friendships is the movable boundaries — the freedom to be far away and subsequently find your way back to them.
So, what do we talk about?
It’s emotionally opulent, to say the least. Go ahead, relegate it to gossip but it’s essential and deeply profound. It’s hard to describe a space that allows you to speak freely about your failures, desires, and vanities — it’s not family, it’s just that palpable unconditional positive regard.
It is not surprising that most men rely on their female friendships for emotional intimacy. Come to think of it, what’s it like to not be able to let your guard down with your friends? How do you decompress? How does it feel to not be able to hyperventilate about this life that’s passing?
Maybe screaming at men playing football is more cathartic than talking about your feelings.
What do I know?
