Most grandparents are sexist, casteist, classist, and isl*mophobic
I have not been able to convince them, and that makes me a loser
In our culture, respect is a derivative of age.
If age drives respect, how am I supposed to question the venerability of grandparents?
We must love and respect the aged but what do you do when their ideas and beliefs straight up disgust you? I don’t know what the right answer is, but I have been able to do nothing significant to change it.
I presume that I have very lofty standards when it comes to being woke. I have always wanted to position myself as someone who is very aware, non-discriminatory, and inclusive. I’ve made many mistakes and I am still marred by faulty ideas, but I want to hear you out and I want to do better.
If you call me out, I will approach the situation apologetically and not defensively. I will deliberate and I will learn. I may disagree but I will not be rigid.
Rigidity has us loitering in the ordinary. Just a bunch of dimwits looking at things unquestioningly, unappreciatively, and helplessly.
When my time comes, I hope I do better than my grandparents are doing right now. I hope my thoughts don’t make people uncomfortable and I hope I don't hurt people because of my lacklustre opinions.
It remains deep-seated in my country (at least in my home) even after 75 years of independence.
Listening to my grandparents’ beliefs on women, class, and caste was a striking jolt to me. If I cannot change their mind about things, what good are my beliefs? What good am I? What are all these discourses? I am all talk.
A faction of my society is arguing against reservation for the caste system is now a thing of the past. A faction of my society is screaming that feminism is pointless. A faction is screaming about privilege. And my grandmother is screaming because of some unspeakable things. And my grandfather is screaming because the coconut vendor has the nerve to tell him that he wouldn’t give a discount.
I must admit, I feel like a phony, a phony who walks the roads of the city pretending to be intelligible while she gets silenced for being disrespectful and disturbing the peace of the house when she expresses her disagreement and anger in her home — a supposed safe space.
Do I deserve a gold medal for sensitivity? No.
I am belligerent and I am easily agitated. Argue with me and you’ll know how hard I fight to keep my composure but here’s what you need to do if your grandparents sound like gigantic enemies of society
- This battle cannot be won
You cannot change anyone’s mind and the sooner you realise, the more energy you’ll save. No one cares what I think, especially the aged. You will not achieve anything by getting them to concede to my lofty ideals of society and culture because behaviour is harder to change. - Reach out to the people who are at the receiving end of their prejudiced thinking
If you find someone who is being treated unfairly by your family, let them know you are an ally. This means nothing and you will not be able to fix much but sometimes knowing that at least someone thinks differently is reassuring or I don’t know actually — read the room(?) - Express your dissent with a cold shoulder or by scenario thinking
The only way some people shed their terrible behaviours is when you paint a situation in which they are attacked or actively silencing yourself in front of them. This is one of the most manipulative and rude ways of communicating the issues but unfortunately, I haven’t found any others that work.
But this brings me to the question of how my grandparents perceived the unfairness they were subjected to as children — with little to no avenues of help.
I live in the cyberage, I can rant on the internet and have ten other people validate my feelings — I can seek help. I can escape.
If human beings are intrinsically good, what wheedles them into perpetuating the negativity that they went through?
I’m sure my grandmother has been a victim of discrimination being a young girl in the India of 1960’s. I am sure her dreams and ambitions were not allowed to bear fruit. I am sure she did things that were not out of her own volition. I am sure she treats me better than her grandmother ever treated her but I’m also sure that she can do better.
We are compelled to repeat trauma as the victim or the victimiser — repetition compulsion.
We seek comfort in the familiar — the desire to return to an earlier state of things which is why change is so hard.
I know Instagram is taking a significant part of my day. I quit and I go back because scrolling through Instagram gives me respite from entertaining any personal thoughts — uncomfortable, confrontational, negative bouts of self-awareness. It is my unhealthy method of maintaining a healthy self-esteem.
The context may be different, but the principle remains the same — an inability to process conflicting ideas.
It’s not fashionable to deride oneself but I must admit that this change I’m expecting from older people is something I cannot achieve in my own behaviour and honestly speaking not being able to convince my grandparents does not make me a loser but this lack of control over myself does.
I keep cutting myself slack while expecting stellar behaviours from others and how I change that is something that deserves my energy.
That’s enough introspection for a week. See you next week.
