Listening is the most powerful love language in the world
A guide to effective listening.
People’s evaluation of their listening skills is akin to their evaluation of their skills in bed, wherein most adults think they’re above average, but are they?
Listening skills are so rare that you will find yourself drawn to individuals who possess these magical abilities.
Most people think that listening is about three things:
- Keeping your mouth shut as the other person embarks on a month-long narrative about their lives
- Interspersing verbal and physical cues (mm-hmms and nods with that soliloquy to convey that you’re in fact not thinking about sheep butts
- Being able to redo the narrative as proof of your listening skills
All these things are far too inadequate to qualify as great listening.
Listening helps build connections. Being heard elevates you as a person. Empathetic and mindful listening is the bed rock of any enjoyable conversation.
I don’t know what great listening is according to everyone, but I feel truly heard when the following characteristics are present in the conversation
- Asking the right questions
Good questions promote insight and bring clarity to the talker. Good listeners tactfully challenge faulty thoughts constructively exhibiting that they are not only listening but comprehending the situation well enough to ask for more information on the topic. The conversation is active. I owe so much to the good listeners in my life — they’ve taught me about myself, they’ve helped me see things clearly and they’ve helped me make better decisions. When someone asks the right questions, it reassures me that they’re interested. Sometimes, I feel so deeply connected with such people emotionally — it’s unreal. - Being patient
There’s a lump in my throat that makes it impossible to say things. Bearing with the silence can be difficult but good listeners are empowering. They metaphorically catch you as you’re falling and quite literally save you. Being in presence of an intelligent listener improves my mental wellbeing by 94.88% (source: numbers pulled out of my ass) - No one’s trying to win
Good listeners never try to win, simply because it isn’t a competition. They’re not looking for errors in your argument or your feelings. They’re not waiting to crack down on you with their sweeping judgement. This is where parents fail at being great listeners — they’re programmed to take their child’s failings personally and naturally, get extremely defensive. The influx of ‘I told you so’ scissors the connect, now everyone’s mad. - Effective suggestions
Good listening is a problem-solving exercise. There is always an issue at hand and if there isn’t an issue — there are emotions that need to be warded off, dealt with, welcomed. The nicest way to do it is to suggest these after you’ve heard all the courses of actions in a gentle non-combative way.
“Just bouncing this idea off my head…, does it make sense?”
If they’ve chosen to pour their heart out to you, they think you matter. Don’t let them down.
Do you have a good listener in your life?
Not the boring sponge type, who just acts like a soundboard just absorbing without reflecting much.
Not the type who’s waiting for you to get done so that they can start with their story.
Not the unintelligent type who is only a good listener because they grasp extraordinarily little.
Infact,
The type who gives you a new perspective each time.
The type who helps you find direction because they’re just so smart.
The type who can lift you from the depths of apathy
A better question would be, are you a good listener in someone’s life?
It takes time, patience and SO much emotional bandwidth.
Truth be told, this article is pointless because when you care, these things happen naturally and I think it listening might just be my love language.
