If things out of your control decide how you treat yourself, you’re doing it wrong

I thought I lost $10,000, my appetite, and my sanity.

Compartmentalize. Pause. Breathe.

Before I start with this preach fest, please note that I am the queen of spillover. If any tiny thing goes wrong in my life, I ensure I snowball into a worse situation by ruining every succeeding event. This way of life was fine, also productive because I would channelize my energy into fixing that one thing in my life but as I’ve grown older, I find this modus operandi to be dysfunctional, self-harming, highly distressing, and downright counterproductive.

Photo by Matthew Henry on Unsplash

This is a story of how I thought I lost a ton of money purchasing material from ~China~

April was a difficult month for us, as a nation. We saw an ugly side of shortages of essential items for people who can afford any amount for them. I do not need to describe the abject negligence of the people in power and the hell India went through, gasping for literal breath. The pandemic took the capital by storm. Social media provided what seemed to be the ONLY method of mobilizing resources for ailing people.

In this absolute mess, I got an opportunity to package and supply COVID essentials to state health departments. We were ready to cook up a storm. All the items that were to be manufactured in our facilities were taken up diligently by the team. Few items like thermometers, oximeters, masks, etc needed to be procured from vendors and concerted efforts were being made to have these items FLY to us. At the time, India was facing a debilitating shortage of oximeters so we decided to turn to our favorite neighbors, the Chinese, for help.

We go through the online directories of manufactures of medical equipment in China. Yes, we tried Alibaba and Made In China and Global Sources. With whatever checks we could do about the authenticity of these manufacturers, we shortlisted about three manufacturers and started negotiating with them.

All seemed very legitimate, had websites, and had been around for more than 5 years. I started moving towards closing these purchases.

Truth be told, I was proud of myself. Looking for vendors, vetting them, closing in on favorable prices, etc. I felt like a winner. Long story short, I wasn’t a winner.

Winning isn’t an outcome of a single event. It is the successful completion of a conclusive process. For example, the winning moment for me wasn’t closing this purchase. It was the successful receipt of the good quality goods at the right time followed by the dispatch of these items to our buyers.

But I was out there, a self-declared winner. The universe has its ways of teaching us lessons and so it did.

Post payment,

One of the suppliers went missing — single ticks on WhatsApp

One of them called me two days before dispatch to tell me she can’t honour her date of dispatch and needs 9 extra days because of labour day holidays (most challenging days of my life) in China

One of them had me convulted in logistics related matters — flights not flying to India, extra traffic at Hong Kong airport

All this diversification I had done came back to bite me in the ass. Three of them gave me three different problems I had no solutions for.

I should have taken a deep breath but I decided to take shallow breaths and not eat anything that has nutritional value. I also decided to behave like a gigantic asshole to everyone around like it was their fault this was happening to me.

All very shameful behavior.

For two weeks, with our deadlines fast approaching, I had no visibility on when the goods would arrive.

Now, I was the biggest loser ever. I didn’t deserve anything. I went batshit silent.

Both these treatments of myself by myself were wrong.

We celebrate sporadic achievements so much so that the real hero — CONSISTENCY gets significantly underrated. We celebrate bouts of energy so much that we fail to celebrate the beauty of sustained efforts.

I allowed myself to become a punching bag because of things I had no control over and this was the first and last time I did it.

Compartmentalizing allows you to:

1. Reduce the effects of the stress-inducing event
2. Prevent the spillover of one bad thing onto the other good things of your life

How to do it? Practice.

I am not good at it but I definitely better than I was in April.

Our minds allow us to bury anxiety-inducing thoughts by creating a conscious stream of thoughts only if we allow them to.

Getting back to the story, the first supplier who went missing was missing for a few days. I was losing my wits, especially over this one. I decided to write to the Consulate of India in Shanghai.

Here’s the email:

Dear Dr. XXXX,

I am Sunvi Aggarwal (Aadhar № 9510 xxxx xxxx, PAN xxxxxxxx) from Chandigarh, India.

I am writing to report a possible case of fraud.

I reached out to some chinese suppliers for xxxxxx. I got a couple of quotations from several buyers, however, only this supplier had ready stock available.

Here are the details:

Mr. xxxxxx

Phone No. +86 xxxxxxxx

Email: eric.xxxxx@xxxx.com.cn

Website: http://www.xxxxxxxx.com.cn/

Address: Address: № xxxx, Jinshan Avenue, Jinshan District, Shanghai, China

We have made 100% of the amount, that is, $xxxxxx, as per payment terms as he promised that it will speed up the process.

However, he has not picked up any call in the last three days after receiving the payment.

I have tried everything — emails, phone calls, whatsapp messages. I have even asked my other supplier to help me with this. I have attached screenshots of my whatsapp chat also for your perusal

We import raw material from China regularly. This, however, is the first time something like this is happening.

The COVID-19 pandemic has taken a fatal turn in the country. There is a severe shortage of COVID related supplies. We are preparing an emergency kit for xxxxxxx.

Best
Sunvi Aggarwal

Scary, right? It really sucked.

Eventually, after a week, I got a response from the vendor after the consul intervened in the matter. My faith in government institutions was restored, at least for a bit.

Post the holidays, things started coming in. I felt like myself again and I started taking account of inventory. I was running in severe backlogs with respect to my other tasks and this backlog was not due to lack of time, it was because the stress I was in filled my time, creating an illusion of productivity and work. But the truth is that I just sat there spiraling into a dark place filling my time with worries about things I can do nothing about.

Eventually, things worked out but not in the given timelines but hell didn’t break loose and I was worrying over nothing.

Rounding up all the lessons from this anxiety-filled episode of mine:

1. Things take time. Practice patience. Being patient is not just waiting. It’s waiting purposefully and mindfully without losing your cool.
2. If I allow external events to dictate how I treat myself, I will be an unhappy person. Caring for myself is non-negotiable. It should happen regardless of whatever muck slush is happening around me.
3. Compartmentalize. Do not allow the bad parts to take over the good parts. Are you skipping meals because someone screamed at you? You’re being an idiot. Are you skipping your creative writing practice because some suppliers don’t know how to keep their word? You’re the biggest idiot ever (attack).

Let me know if you want to read more stories and lessons that I’ve learned as a young & inexperienced girl in a world that, in all honesty, is seeming not very easy.

Hoping I can get myself to be slightly more disciplined.