Having no friends for some time is a character-defining experience

A core memory. 100% recommended. Embrace the shitty feeling.

There, I said it. I was terribly lonely in school. I was surrounded by people (at least versions of them) I didn’t like and the feeling was very much mutual. We were friends once upon a time but we have all prioritized different things in life and were very different from each other stuck together because we’d known each other since we were five, our moms were friends and we had nowhere else to go.

Photo by Anastasiia Rozumna on Unsplash

I am so proud of myself for getting through my teenage and I don’t think I give myself enough credit for being only mildly dysfunctional despite the hot mess that my teenage years were. If you knew me when I was a teenager, you probably thought I was an overconfident, arrogant, and insufferable idiot. You’re not wrong.

Teenage emotional turmoil is an underrepresented human emotion. The angst of not being understood, the constant nagging in my head about how my problems are not quite relevant, and the ugly middle position of child and adult. To top it all, these changes are happening at different paces for all of us (as they should) but we’re losing touch, feeling estranged, and crying a lot.

This is a story about how I, a girl who invited 45 people to her birthday parties, hoped every day to catch the last seat to sit with no one but my bag because hey, I like sitting alone (I didn’t, just felt disoriented all the time).

Here’s how I managed to alienate myself from all the people I had known in less than three months. Let’s go

1. The things that were in common seemed to be rapidly leaving.
   Some of us are still reading Enid Blyton while some of us moved on to Fifty Shades of Grey. Some of us were still working with one hour of ‘supervised’ internet browsing while some of us moved on to ~BBM. Some of us were still watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse while some of us moved on to I don’t know I was watching Hannah Montana.
2. Priorities were changing rapidly.
   Some wanted top marks, some wanted to be the most popular in the city, some wanted boyfriends, some wanted alcohol and some just wanted to be left alone. Whatever it is that we wanted, we chose (or dropped) friends based on our short-term visions.
3. Teachers and parents were constantly comparing peers bolstering resentment and jealousy (honestly, what was up with that?). Parents & teachers really need to stop doing that.
   Oh, look at this child’s answer sheet.
   Ask your daughter to be more like her.
   Take this girl’s notebook, she does it better.
   So, how much did she get?
   This child is accomplishing so much while you sit here wasting away
   Learn something from her.

When will we stop doing this? Giving your child grief because some other child is doing better in class is so passe. I hope we’ve left that in the past. It creates feelings of resentment and creates certain standards of achievement that result in anxiety and stress.

I channelized all my energies towards getting that fresh start. I knew I had screwed up a lot of things with some very nice people but I thought it was beyond repair. I was ready to move on.

I managed to get out of the city and move to Mumbai. Since all the problems in my life were because of external parties, at least according to me, I never quite looked inwards for the problem. I still maintain that the ‘friends’ I had were trash versions of themselves at the time but I wasn’t the best version of myself either.

I ran away from my problems only to be confronted by them in this new place I supposedly had a fresh start from with a completely new set of people. I knew I had to resolve my issues and the ones I had created back home before I could truly move on.

Running away from the problems did not quite help because they were running with me. Proclivity towards negativity, overthinking, tactlessness were things I needed to shed and I needed a change in my thinking pattern more than my address.

Being away from my city helped me understand that problems are seldom external. Events may be external but whether or not they become problems is my prerogative.

Here are my lessons from this,

1. When something is going seriously wrong, walk away from the thing. thinking is severely impaired in distress. Just walk away.
2. Losing people who make you feel smaller is not a loss. It’s a win. Cherish the good parts but move forward. If that friend is taking too much from you, do not feel guilty about prioritizing yourself. Deal with assholes only if you get paid to do it, not even then, maybe. That being said, revisit the friendship if you feel they’ve changed or you’ve changed. Teenage fights are a different brand. You probably fought over some pop-culture debate or even worse, a boy.
3. If you’re not okay with them knowing your family, there’s a major issue. This friendship will not work.
4. The bare truth is difficult. Can you tell your friend the bare truth? About yourself, your family, and your history? Do they have it in them, to be honest with you? If not, your friendship is limited to that drinking scene once a month.

I have found it terribly hard to maintain friendships but I think I know better now. I know that I cannot keep up with too many people but I’ve also learned that I do not need to burn bridges at the slightest disagreements.

If you’re feeling a bit iffy about this group of yours, leave it. It’s going to be worth it.

Your intuition is smarter than your conscious mind. It picks up subtleties you miss. Trust it.

Urging everyone to be alone for some time. It’s revelatory.

See you next week!