Choosing a job primarily based on remuneration gave me the worst 366 days of my life
Here’s your monthly salary, self-doubt, and dissatisfaction.
Just to get this out of the way, I did not need to support a family and I had the privilege of following a passion. Those who don’t have the privilege obviously deserve to be happy, but I had the privilege, and I still chose misery, unknowingly.
Here’s a story of how I spiralled into the worst state of mind I had ever been in owing to my manager, nature of the job, and lack of self-awareness.
I, like many others, was/am of the belief that money is a brilliant measure of success. It gives you the freedom to eat, wear and go where you want. This freedom is great. I enjoyed it for a full three months before my patience ran out and I came back and screamed into my pillow, every day.
What sucked about the job? Objectively?
Nothing.
Personally?
Everything!
I would go to the office, open my laptop and fill/check numbers in graphs that I had no interest in. I would make slides and spend hours aligning elements only to have these scrapped three hours later. I was required to be an identical copy of the people who were in my position who had to be exact copies of their former seniors.
It was a mass genocide of individuality. Celebratory stars were also provided based on how good you are at shifting blame and trimming your edges to fit into their idea of an ideal employee.
I was none of those things and I should have known better before I went wiggling into this rabbit hole where someone would feel compelled to paraphrase my 3-line emails because I am not ‘coherent, cogent & concise’.
Negative feedback was also freely thrown around like confetti, not just for me but for a lot of people.
I was once told that I am ‘considerably resistant towards learning new things and picking up complicated work’ & I believed it.
I believed an ignorant, demeaning, poorly articulated, and discriminatory review about myself, and that was the day I should have left the scene, but I did not. I decided to tough it out and to prove that I can do whatever I want if I put my mind to it. Do you want me to do criminally boring work?
I’ll do it well because anything worth doing is worth doing well, right?
In retrospect, it was not worth doing.
BUT
Since I had sold my time and energy to my employer, I had to do it and it wrecked me.
I left on the 366th day and I don’t think anyone knows how liberating that feeling was. I was walking into a sea of uncertainty with my family business but the fact that I never have to open a laptop to spend hours on a slide that ends up in the graveyard made me ecstatic.
If you hate what your weekdays look like, here are some things to keep in mind that I did not but will if I were to be in an analogous situation in the future:
- If you suck at this job, IT DOES NOT MEAN THAT YOU WILL SUCK AT EVERY JOB
Every time I opened my mouth to complain about this, I was told this is the real world and all jobs are like this. They’re not. Not all jobs are made for you, and it is not shameful to suck at a job that was described very differently.
I created a belief system that I sucked at living real life and the rest of my life is going to be a struggle in rented apartments of Gurugram. - Your manager mostly does not have your best interest
Giving you negative feedback is their way of releasing pent-up frustration. They also don’t know you and have absolutely no interest in exploring your talents. The little care they show is self-servient. It is particularly important to take account of how you feel about yourself and your abilities. We poke fun at introspective questions like ‘What are your strengths and weaknesses but there is no question more important than these introspective questions. - Do not be afraid to take the dip in pay check
Easier said than done. I know. But the two people I know who took this dip are happier than ever and do not miss the Rs. 5,000 they forewent for their sanity. I hope you have the privilege to take that dip. - Do not get comfortable in your job
It is not easy to break habits. The day you make peace with this job that makes you pathetic, you have utterly lost the battle. Making mistakes is allowed but not fixing them is real defeat. - Be open to working at smaller companies
Very often, my peers gravitated towards brand names. I did too (mostly because the brand is likely to pay more). In smaller companies, you are closer to the end goal and your job is more impactful. There is room for your ideas. The dialogue is bilateral as opposed to ‘Get this done by 3 pm, Friday. Don’t care about what you think.’
I still don’t own my time. I still struggle. I have both good and bad days. I am still struggling but at least I am not crippled with self-doubt and that feeling of ‘?????????????????????’.
Faking sick days is a sign from your mind to LEAVE your job. They don’t deserve you. Do yourself and your employer a favour.
Do I regret leaving my job?
I did, when I had just left it because I was pushed away from familiarity but never after that. I am more hopeful about the future than I was earlier because the environment at my previous job sabotaged my belief in myself. It may have paid a tad bit more, but it cost me my confidence and honestly, that was not worth it.
I really hope this was helpful for people who wake up in the morning wanting to leave their jobs. Imagine feeling bored for weeks on end. I felt it.
Let’s keep talking!
